Landlocked Sailor: 2012

November 29, 2012

A wind's in the heart of me, a fire's in my heels,
I am tired of brick and stone and rumbling wagon-wheels;
I hunger for the sea's edge, the limit of the land,
Where the wild old Atlantic is shouting on the sand.

Oh I'll be going, leaving the noises of the street,
To where a lifting foresail-foot is yanking at the sheet;
To a windy, tossing anchorage where yawls and ketches ride,
Oh I'll be going, going, until I meet the tide.

And first I'll hear the sea-wind, the mewing of the gulls,
The clucking, sucking of the sea about the rusty hulls,
The songs at the capstan at the hooker warping out,
And then the heart of me'll know I'm there or thereabout.

Oh I am sick of brick and stone, the heart of me is sick,
For windy green, unquiet sea, the realm of Moby Dick;
And I'll be going, going, from the roaring of the wheels,
For a wind's in the heart of me, a fire's in my heels.

"A Wanderer's Song" by John Masefield

November 25, 2012

Reconciling

rec·on·cile/ˈrekənˌsīl/

Verb:

Restore friendly relations between: "she wanted to be reconciled with her father".

Cause to coexist in harmony; make or show to be compatible.

Lately, I have been having trouble reconciling myself to, well, myself. I have moved around a lot in the last few years, living in New England, California, and below the Mason-Dixon line. I teach high school during the academic year, and, for the last 4 summers, I have been hopping on a plane to teach sailing in the British Virgin Islands. The thing is, I have a different set of friends from each place/job/setting, and I've found that it's practically impossible to explain the other places/jobs/settings to the other friends. It's no fault of theirs, as I have trouble understanding my own dual personalities & lives.

When I stop to think about it long enough, this struggle is not solely the result of my traveling and relocating. It's a more tangible result of my deeper split personality. Paul says:

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ²⁰Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. ~Romans 7:15-20

So I have two parts of me: the old, sinful self, separated from God, and the new, holy self, fully reconciled to God.

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; ²³to be made new in the attitude of your minds; ²⁴and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. ~Ephesians 4:22-24

And the good news is that he can reconcile us to ourselves, and to each other, and to Himself.

For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, ²⁰and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.
²¹Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. ²²But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation— ²³if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel. ~Colossians 1:20-23

October 2, 2012

Puppy Love

This weekend, I took my puppy camping for the first time. I dragged him onto a noisy, bumpy mini-bus, and made him hide under a seat for an hour and a half, shaking in fear for a good part of the ride. All of that only to end up somewhere he's never been before, with people he didn't know. I worried that he would freak out when he saw the tent and refuse to go in it. Or maybe he'd walk all over me all night or bark at every tiny sound. What happened? I learned more about God.

God is to me as I am to my puppy. Sometimes He asks me, "Wanna go on an adventure?!?" Like my puppy, I bounce up and down and express my utter joy at a new adventure! But then God tells me to go somewhere noisy, dirty, uncomfortable and scary, and to stay there for much longer than I ever would want. What do I do? Complain, whine, whimper, grumble, and come up with a lot of reasons why God must be implementing the wrong plan. This can't be right! It's uncomfortable and scary, so it can't be the right thing. What does my dog do? He looks at me with his big puppy eyes and says, "I'm really scared, but you're still here and I trust you."

We get to our camp site, and the puppy frolics around, thrilled to be out of the bus. He's come on this adventure with me, never wondering if he'd have food or shelter for the night. He just trusts that I will have supper for him when his tummy growls enough, just as I should be with God.* God will always provide for me, and He will not take me somewhere that is not good for me. If I really know Him, I can trust His character just as my puppy trusts me.

When it comes time to settle in for the night, I'm a little worried that it's not going to work very well. My dog has never even seen a tent. When I open up the tent and beckon him in, he climbs right in, turns around once, lays down, sighs, and passes out in blissful puppy-sleep. It really made me happy, because in that quick moment he said, "Wherever you are, I'm safe. Wherever you go is Home."

I will lie down and sleep in peace,
for you alone, O Lord,
make me dwell in safety.

~ Psalm 4:8

*Matthew 6:25-34

²⁵“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
²⁸“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³²For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

August 25, 2012

Why I'm Here

No, this is not a post about the purpose of my life. I just wanted to explain my choice to start posting on a blog. I'm still unsure how I feel about it, but I figured I'd give it a try. I quit facebook because I felt like I was spending a lot of time reading status updates, and not actually having real conversations or discussions with my friends.

The posts below are copied from my feeble attempt at tumblr. Turns out, I don't really want to post only to people I don't know, so I've decided to share this with you. I'd love to hear your responses to any of these posts as well as updates from your lives.

August 16, 2012

Expected to Choose

At some point soon after graduating college, women are given a choice: pursue a family or pursue a career. The pressure comes from all sides. Someone says, “How are you planning to use your newly earned degree?” Someone else says, “Why isn’t a pretty little thing like you married yet?” The dichotomy even appears in our own thoughts. “But I like my job and I have to pay the bills.” “But I desperately want to be married and have kids.” “But I don’t have time to date.” “But I want somebody to love.” “But I’ve always wanted to be a ___.”

My point here is not to argue one side or the other. I’m not going to say one is right for you or the other wrong, or even that it must be only one or the other. I want to suggest a third option:
Choose to pursue God.

The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
~Psalm 34:10

Warning: The pursuit of the Lord will take you on an adventure that you will never have thought of yourself. Rarely will it turn out as you once imagined*. You may not have the perfect career woman’s resume. You may not be married by that deadline you gave yourself when you were 15. You may not have the house, the job, the 2.5 kids and the white picket fence. It will be hard.

Give up the dream career and the picket-fence family to follow God, and what are you left with? God Himself. Seek the Lord and He will give you Himself in all of His goodness and glory. Do this, and He promises to take care of everything that you need**. That may include your dream job, or a job you never thought of but absolutely love. It may include a marriage that honors the Lord, and the bundles of joy that become your charges. It may include bits and pieces of all of the above, or none of it at all. Here’s the thing: God knows exactly what you need and those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.

*Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
~Ephesians 3:20-21

**But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
~Matthew 6:33

P.S. If you want to hear how this has played out for me over the last several years, I am happy to share the good and the hard with you. Just ask.

Thankful

After attending a cross-cultural communication conference yesterday, and watching “The Magic Washing Machine” video in class four times today, I am increasingly thankful for and praying for some specific things:

Thankful for:The utter, complete, internal confidence that I belong to God. No matter where I am in the world, or whether I’m one of a very small minority in a group, I am His. This world is not my home; I am a stranger here. And yet, God has given me a peace in Him so deep and true that I have never been concerned about being in a minority.
Praying for: The many, many people in this world who struggle daily with feelings surrounding the fact that they are in a minority. That the enemy would not be allowed to whisper lies in their ears about their worth. They, too, are worth the most precious blood of Jesus.
Thankful for: My washing machine, education, and all the time I have in a day to do things that are not essential to life. For being able to afford a $2 salad for lunch instead of those $2 being my entire household’s daily allowance.
Praying for:The two billion people that live on under $2 per day, that they may have enough food to eat and clean water to drink. For the two billion people that live on less than $20 per day, that they may find good jobs, get washing machines, and be able to go to school. For the two billion that live on $40 per day, that their work may be fruitful and their homes safe and warm. For the one billion that live on $80 per day or more, that we may be thankful for the abundant blessings that we have been given, and be good stewards of our resources. That our hearts may be broken open for the poorest four billion people in the world and that we may give generously of our resources in ways that can really help eliminate poverty.

"Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more."
~Luke 12:48

Worry and the Lack Thereof

My step mom had a pretty major surgery today, and it only struck me after the fact that I never worried about her. At first, I felt a sort of bad that I “should have” worried, but didn’t. But that’s a lie.

wor·ry/ˈwərē/ Verb:Give way to anxiety or unease; allow one’s mind to dwell on difficulty or troubles.
Noun:A state of anxiety and uncertainty over actual or potential problems.

Worry says, “God, I don’t really trust You to take care of the situation, so I’m going to put my energy into anxiety instead of using it to ask You for help.” Worrying is futile. Can any of you, by worrying, add a single hour to your life? (Matt 16:27)

Prayer is the antithesis of worry. Prayer is powerful and effective. Prayer puts your burdens onto God instead of you. Prayer says, “This one’s all Yours, God. I trust You.” Prayer lets you be free from worry and bank on real hope instead.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
-Romans 12:12

Once Upon A Time

I’ve been mulling this one over for a while. Like 8 new episodes worth of time. I’ve really been enjoying ABC’s Once Upon a Time. It’s a great distraction from the Sunday night blues. But I’ve been mulling it over on a deeper level.

(Disclaimer: I’m not trying to draw spiritual truths, start a new religion, discuss the writer’s meaning, or really do anything other than express what it has me thinking about here. No need to take this seriously.)

What if we are in a similar situation? We live in this world and go about our lives as if it’s normal and there’s nothing else going on. The majority of us think that’s all there is and don’t question it. But then slowly some of us start to realize that there’s more going on here than meets the eye. And day by day we learn more and more about our true identities in Christ. We start to understand the Great Story behind why we’re here on Earth and what it is we’re meant to do.

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
~1 Corinthians 13:12

What’s your part in the Story?

Hope

I heard a speech today following 5 very tragic deaths. The speaker confessed that she did not really believe in God or heaven, or an after life of any sort. She said that what got her through these sort of tragedies was hope. Hope that life would get better, hope in the good parts of the world.

This broke my heart. It felt like she had a bucket without a bottom. She had a word, “hope”. A sweet, wonderful, intangible idea. She the hope she spoke of was like cotton candy: it looks delicious, tastes good, but disappears instantly upon the first sign of rain.

But here’s the thing: Hope is legit. It is concrete. It is real. It can be an anchor for our souls, firm and secure. It will always remain. It can be put in someone or something. But you better put in in the right place. Put your hope in the God who never fails, and you will not be disappointed in the end.

This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope:
It is of the LORD’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.
They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.
The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.
~Lamentations 3:21-24

It is well with my Soul

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.